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Archive for October, 2008

BlakChek #12, Play Ultimate Frisbee:  Maybe

Ultimate Frisbee is a game that is quickly gaining popularity within the white community.  It is like a weird combination between football and futbol (soccer) in which the objective is to march up and down the field by making a series of passes with a Frisbee.  I don’t want to get into all the details here but if you want to learn more click here.  Essentially the goal is to compete a bunch of passes down the field with the goal of reaching the end zone without dropping or having the other team intercept the Frisbee.  The reason I say that ultimate is like soccer is because you are constantly running up and down the field.  Your white friends will attempt to convince you that it is a casual game played for fun amongst friends.  Don’t be fooled, yes it is fun but it is also very demanding on your body.  In fact the first time I played I almost passed out a couple of times.  You have to remember that the same white friends that are trying to get you to play also jog daily, run marathons and you don’t, keep that in mind.

If you are looking to build up your endurance, loose weight, and have a good time, then ultimate frisbee is a good option.  Just remember like many other white sports there are a few dangers to look out for.  Make sure you play on a nice pot-hole free field to avoid ankle injuries. Secondly make sure that when you are playing that you keep your head on a swivel.  Just as in football you can be blindsided by another person as you attempt to make a catch.  In a coed game I saw a woman get laid out during a collision.  Again, I do not tell you this to deter you but to ensure that you know the potential dangers before stepping onto the field. 

So in conclusion BlakChek cautiously approves Ultimate Frisbee.

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BlakChek #11, Adjust your Air Condition:  No

If you hang out with white people long enough, eventually you may invite them to your home, which is totally fine.  However, it will be then when you will learn about another important difference between white people and black people.  White people like it cold, in fact on average 8-12 degrees colder on average than black people.  The average white person prefers to keep there thermostat firmly set in the 63-67 degree range, while the average black person prefers a range of 73-77 degrees(These facts are based solely on years of observation).

Why this discrepancy, you ask?  I believe these discrepancies came from adaptation, take a look at the regions in which we originate from.  White people hail from frigid places like Norway, Slovakia, Iceland, etc. and have the ability to live in the most remote frigid regions on earth.  Think about it, how many black people do you think have ever visited Antarctica?   Black people on the other hand hail from Africa and tend to prefer regions that are some what temperate.  So when you have your get together with your white and black friends what do you do?  Try to compromise by finding a nice medium, or maybe cater to your white friends by turning the thermostat down to their appropriate range?  I say no to both, not because I am trying to be mean to my white comrades, but more so for the fact that I have to adapt to white temperatures on a daily basis.  Think about it, the mall, stores, movie theaters, restaurants, office buildings, your job, everywhere you go on a daily basis caters to the white temperature range.  I often sit in my room late at night and wonder what stores are like in predominantly black countries, now I got you thinking… 

Bottom line, since we have to live with white temperatures on a daily basis through all walks of life, I think it’s only fair that our white friends return the favor when they are in our homes.  With that said, BlakChek does not approve adjusting your Air Condition for your white friends comfort.

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BlakChek #10, go to a Bar:  Maybe

It’s not many things on earth that white people love more than a good bar, and eventually your white friends will ask you to tag along.  Black people usually prefer night clubs over bars primarily because they offer an opportunity to dance.  For white people, a bar is essentially the mecca, offering a place for meeting potential mates, networking, live music, and good drinks.  When you first enter a white bar you may be taken back by a few things.  First off if you are like me you’ll be astonished by the way white people can have deep, impactful discussions about everything from world politics to space exploration in such a loud environment.  Just the noise of all the conversations alone will seem ridiculous, not to mention the alternative local band playing in the back.  Secondly, you’ll wonder in amazement how people seem to go from conversation to conversation in a similar way that we may navigate a dance floor.  I mean, is this really like Cheers, does everyone know your name?  It’s amazing.

Depending on the bar you may an wide array of white activities, including body shots, women dancing on the bar, drunken altercations, and a couple of guys trying to pick up chicks by showing off their Golden Tee skills. I know these things all may seem scary at first but hang in there, you’ll start having a little bit more fun after your first drink.  As for drinks, you’ll be tempted to get your usual club favorite, like a Crown and Coke, Bacardi, Patron, or whatever drink the rappers are promoting this week but try to fight this urge.  As the saying goes, “When in Rome, do as the Romans do…”  Instead opt for something a little more white, but yet not too commercial.  Many black people will jump on the basic white brands like Bud Lite or Miller Lite to attempt to fit in, this is a classic mistake.  Instead opt for a more sophisticated brew like Yuengling, Samuel Adams, or whatever local micro brew they have on tap.  If you’re feeling really adventurous go for a Jaeger Bomb, trust me your white friends will know this classic concoction.  Fact: White people actually learn what Jaeger Bombs are before they learn how to read.  My personal favorite drink in a white bar is a Red Stripe, you know from the famous “Hooray Beer” ads.  A good Red Stripe allows me to stay true to my blackness while at the same time enjoying a good time out with friends.

A couple of warnings about things that may take you off guard.  First off if you are one of the only 2 or 3 black people in the bar it is inevitable for a white guy to come up and say something like the following.  “Hey bro, how’s it going, has anyone ever told you look just like (Insert Standard Black Athlete, Actor, etc.)”  Now you could get mad and punch this guy in the face but that would ruin your night.  Instead take a few minutes to educate your new white acquaintance, because often times they simply don’t understand that their comment could have gotten them potentially knocked out.  In their guilt for their recent comment and 200 years of oppression they will often buy your drinks for the rest of the night.

Secondly beware of the white friends/coworkers/classmates you came with.  The bar is a white person’s favorite place to make a move and if you are not careful after a few drinks your white coworker may attempt to tongue you down seemingly out of the blue.  It has happened, please be careful.  Black women need to be especially careful, because even your white female coworkers may try to include you in their amateur “Girls Gone Wild” activities.

With that said, BlakChek cautiously approves going to the bar with your white friends, coworkers, and classmates.

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BlakChek #9, Two Girls, One Cup:  Never in your life, Never

First off if you have never heard of “two girls, one cup” I want you to ignore this post and go on living your life.  For those of you who’s white friends have tried to convince you to view this video, don’t do it.  Put it like this, I watched a video which simply showed guys watching the video, and made up my mind to never watch this video.  On the video the guys were literally throwing up just from watching the video.  Grown, healthy, sober men, throwing up just form the vision of this footage.  I’m not going to go into details, but if you are even thinking about viewing this tape, ask yourself this question.  How could two girls and one cup possibly make grown men cry and throw up?  Do not watch this video ever, I have friends who literally will never be the same again.

BlakChek does not and will not ever approve viewing “Two Girls, One Cup.”  I can not stress this enough, never watch this video.

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BlakChek #8, Play paintball: Maybe

When my white coworkers confronted me with the option of going to play paintball I didn’t know what to think.  I mean, from what I had seen on TV and the Internet, paintball looked like a fun, harmless activity.  Why not, I said, let’s give it a shot, no pun intended, no really.  You gotta amire the fact when white people do something new they go all in.  I’m talking camouflage, combat boots, compasses, canteens, and GPS equipment .  At work I walked up to a friends desk to find him looking at a paintball area map and plotting strategies and techniques.  Is it really that serious?  To be honest I bought some basic camo for the sole purpose of not standing out like a moose in Sarah Palin’s yard.

After brief instructions at the paintball field we were on our way.  The place was over the top, it had bunkers, forts, barricades, etc.  all of which made almost brought my white friends to tears.  White people find joy in the most basic of things, an admirable trait.  So here we were in our first competition, our team which was composed mostly of first-timers against the other team which included the paintball parks owners and kids who were like Navy seals.   The first task was to rush their fort and capture the flag.  As we were walking through the forest I took my first shot right in the @$$ by a sniper hiding in the bushes.  I have a decent tolerance for pain but I’m not going to lie that hit hurt!  I was like what the… from that point on my whole paintball mindset changed. 

After a decent walk through the Vietnam-like booby-trapped forest we made it to the clearing where the fort was at.  My white friend who was acting as leader because he had been paint-balling a whopping 3 times comes up with the “great” idea of rushing the fort.  “Some of us might not make it, it may hurt, we may get hit in the neck (the most vulnerable exposed body part), but if the group keeps moving I think there’s a slight chance we’ll make it.”  Surprisingly the flag seemed to be barely guarded, as we scouted we only saw 2 Tango’s standing guard upon the fort.   Even though the fort which was raised about 10 feet off the ground gave the enemy a great tactical advantage we still felt we could take the few guards on.  As we made our charge through the trenches that led up to the fort I noticed we had been set up in the first way.  I looked up at the fort again to see what seemed like the majority of enemy with their guns pointed at us.  I began to see my friends getting picked off left and right.  It was horrible, guys were getting shot in the neck, chest, even head.  Even to this day I still hear their screams when I sleep.  In the heat of the battle I had a critical decision to make: Do I continue on with the mission, and risk being shot point blank range in the neck?  Or do abandon my troop and save myself the pain and agony?  Point blank, I ran, I ran as fast as I could, I ran until I couldn’t hear the shots any more, I ran until I couldn’t hear the screams anymore, I ran…  

Yes I ran in that particular case but all in all I had a good time the rest of the day playing paintball.  However, I changed my tactics opting to lay low and pick off passing enemies rather than rushing into chaos.  With that said BlakChek cautiously approves playing paintball. 

One Disclaimer:  Paint-balls hurt like hell, especially close range, wear long sleeve shirts and pants, the more padding the better.  Thus, I would also suggest going in the fall due, since its cooler.  Now your white friends are going to try to act cool by wearing t-shirts and possibly shorts.  Don’t do it unless you want to end up like the idiots in the above pictures.

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BlakChek #7, Race another black person: Hell No

If you hang out with white people for any significant length of time the following situation is inevitable.  For me, it happened while participating on a company softball team.  How I got on the team is another interesting story all together, being that I had very little softball/baseball experience prior to joining the team.  I was chosen for the team because white people in general feel that black people can excel in any sport.  That is a extremely demeaning stereotype, nevermind the fact that after a few games I was one of the best players on the team. 

Midway through the season we had amassed a mediocore record and our “coach” felt the need to bring in some new talent.  Somehow, he convinced another black guy who worked in another department join the team.  I am horrified to even imagine how that conversation went down.  “Hey man, what’s your name, you look fast, how about joining our softball team?”   The hilarious part was that this guy was even worse than I was when I started, not even knowing how to catch.  The only reason he was chosen to join the team was because he was black!

During the next practice the whole team got a glimpse of our latest recruit.  I heard a lot of the typical accolades given by white people to black athletes.  “Wow, he’s fast!” or “This dude can jump!”  Then came the inevitable, “Both of you guys are fast, you should race.”  I asked my white friend what the hell does me and him racing have to do with the price of cheese.  A little word of advice to my white readers, never single out two of your black friends to compete in a athletic competion for your personal enjoyment. 

So as a final verdict, BlakChek does not approve racing or competing in any form of one-on-one athletic competion in front of a group of your white friends.  Don’t tell anyone but I actually did want to race…

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BlakChek #6, Fly Fishing: Hell No

It’s 7AM, 52 degrees outside and my black @$$ is standing in 3 foot of 40 degree water.  How did this happen you say?  Well, my white classmate wanted me to go fly fishing, that’s how.  Now for a bit of a background, I love fishing, freshwater, saltwater, and even bass fishing (another extremely white version of fishing).  I grew up fishing with my father in local lakes and developed a deep appreciation for the sport in general.  That was until I went fly fishing.

First off, fly fishing, like many other predominantly white hobbies is expensive.  Just for me to try fly fishing I spent $30 on waders (very white), $20 on a fly fishing licence, and another $20 to fish in this remote area my white friend wanted to fish in.  Luckily I was able to borrow one of his spare rods which would have set me back a grip. 

So here I was in 3 feet of frigid water navigating my way over slippery rocks with rubber boots on.  After almost falling completely in the water twice I asked my friend how often he falls in.  He replied “I can’t remember the last time I fly fished without falling in!”  Mind you, he tells me this, not when he was persuading me to come with him but after I’m already standing in ice water.  I felt like picking up a rock and stoning him medieval style.  Just as I was picking out a rock of proper size, he yelled “fish on!”  I immediately got excited and momentarily forgot about my stone search.  How big is it I wondered, 10, 20, 30 pounds?  What kind of batter should I use to fry it? Should I use the stove or the Fry Daddy?  These are serious questions I pondered as my friend wrestled with the beast.  His rod bended and strained as he fought the monster and finally he brought it out of the water.  The fish weighed a good half a pound soaking wet.  He let me hold the fish and I thought, well maybe I can at least get a sandwich out of it.  That’s when he let me know that we were in a catch and release area, yet another piece of information that would have been nice to know prior to the trip.  Where is that rock…

So as a final verdict, BlakChek does not approve fly fishing.

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