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Archive for the ‘Entertainment’ Category

BlakChek #13, Halloween Party:  Sure  smurf-halloween-costume

Ok, I know I have said white people like a lot of things, but white people really love Halloween!  While the majority of black people move on from their fond childhood memories of dressing up as ghouls, gobblins, super heroes, and princesses, white people stay committed to the Halloween tradition.  If you hang out or know any white people you will, without a doubt, be invited to a Halloween party. 

This year was no exception for me.  I received Halloween invites, request, etc from no less 50% of my white comrades.  Now in the past I have tried to ignore the majority of these request but due to my dedication for this site, I took one of my friends up on his offer.  The invite was the of the typical white variety of course mentioning some connotation of libations(alcohol).  In fact here it is, “My roommates & I are throwing another Halloween party. Be there. Be dressed! I’ll provide some of the basic party vittles, but I’d appreciate if people brought either food or drink to contribute!  It’s going to be ridiculous, and we’ll have live music – his band 10 Grey Tuesdays will play a set around 10 or 11 pm.”  Side-note:: What is the percentage of white males that are in “bands” of some type, 80 maybe 90%.  We’ll save that discussion for another post.

I began the night before the party handing out Halloween candy to the little ones and was promptly greeted by one little white kid who was like “Hey, you look like (Insert Football Player Name Here)!”  After snatching the bastard child’s bag I replied “Are you sure that’s your father, because you look a lot like the mailman?”  So then after the cops left… I was on my way to the party.  My costume was basic, I had a baseball cap, a baseball jersey, I’ll go as a baseball player.  Yes, I realize the irony, but that kid still deserved to get cursed out.

Arriving at the party I quickly realized that the Halloween party was similar to many other white party’s I had attended except for the fact that people were wearing costumes.  Bearpong was still played, their was a live band which was a stretch, and all in all just a lot of drinking and conversing.  I remember having a hour long argument about the differences between lamb, sheep, and goats?  In another conversation we discussed the evolution of man, and tried to understand the purpose of nipples on men.  Did we once have the ability to breast feed?  These are deep issues that must be discussed and white party’s often offer tremendous venues for doing such. 

All in all the party was harmless and I survived unscathed for the most part.  BlakChek approves of going to a Halloween Party with your white friends.

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BlakChek #10, go to a Bar:  Maybe

It’s not many things on earth that white people love more than a good bar, and eventually your white friends will ask you to tag along.  Black people usually prefer night clubs over bars primarily because they offer an opportunity to dance.  For white people, a bar is essentially the mecca, offering a place for meeting potential mates, networking, live music, and good drinks.  When you first enter a white bar you may be taken back by a few things.  First off if you are like me you’ll be astonished by the way white people can have deep, impactful discussions about everything from world politics to space exploration in such a loud environment.  Just the noise of all the conversations alone will seem ridiculous, not to mention the alternative local band playing in the back.  Secondly, you’ll wonder in amazement how people seem to go from conversation to conversation in a similar way that we may navigate a dance floor.  I mean, is this really like Cheers, does everyone know your name?  It’s amazing.

Depending on the bar you may an wide array of white activities, including body shots, women dancing on the bar, drunken altercations, and a couple of guys trying to pick up chicks by showing off their Golden Tee skills. I know these things all may seem scary at first but hang in there, you’ll start having a little bit more fun after your first drink.  As for drinks, you’ll be tempted to get your usual club favorite, like a Crown and Coke, Bacardi, Patron, or whatever drink the rappers are promoting this week but try to fight this urge.  As the saying goes, “When in Rome, do as the Romans do…”  Instead opt for something a little more white, but yet not too commercial.  Many black people will jump on the basic white brands like Bud Lite or Miller Lite to attempt to fit in, this is a classic mistake.  Instead opt for a more sophisticated brew like Yuengling, Samuel Adams, or whatever local micro brew they have on tap.  If you’re feeling really adventurous go for a Jaeger Bomb, trust me your white friends will know this classic concoction.  Fact: White people actually learn what Jaeger Bombs are before they learn how to read.  My personal favorite drink in a white bar is a Red Stripe, you know from the famous “Hooray Beer” ads.  A good Red Stripe allows me to stay true to my blackness while at the same time enjoying a good time out with friends.

A couple of warnings about things that may take you off guard.  First off if you are one of the only 2 or 3 black people in the bar it is inevitable for a white guy to come up and say something like the following.  “Hey bro, how’s it going, has anyone ever told you look just like (Insert Standard Black Athlete, Actor, etc.)”  Now you could get mad and punch this guy in the face but that would ruin your night.  Instead take a few minutes to educate your new white acquaintance, because often times they simply don’t understand that their comment could have gotten them potentially knocked out.  In their guilt for their recent comment and 200 years of oppression they will often buy your drinks for the rest of the night.

Secondly beware of the white friends/coworkers/classmates you came with.  The bar is a white person’s favorite place to make a move and if you are not careful after a few drinks your white coworker may attempt to tongue you down seemingly out of the blue.  It has happened, please be careful.  Black women need to be especially careful, because even your white female coworkers may try to include you in their amateur “Girls Gone Wild” activities.

With that said, BlakChek cautiously approves going to the bar with your white friends, coworkers, and classmates.

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BlakChek #9, Two Girls, One Cup:  Never in your life, Never

First off if you have never heard of “two girls, one cup” I want you to ignore this post and go on living your life.  For those of you who’s white friends have tried to convince you to view this video, don’t do it.  Put it like this, I watched a video which simply showed guys watching the video, and made up my mind to never watch this video.  On the video the guys were literally throwing up just from watching the video.  Grown, healthy, sober men, throwing up just form the vision of this footage.  I’m not going to go into details, but if you are even thinking about viewing this tape, ask yourself this question.  How could two girls and one cup possibly make grown men cry and throw up?  Do not watch this video ever, I have friends who literally will never be the same again.

BlakChek does not and will not ever approve viewing “Two Girls, One Cup.”  I can not stress this enough, never watch this video.

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BlakChek #4, Jump to House of Pain at game: Maybe

It is a well known fact that white people aren’t always the best of dancers, however they have devised several clever ways to circumvent this social disadvantage.  Line dancing, for instance, is a favorite of many white people because it is something they can study, practice, and master.  Rock and Alternative music also offer outlets for white expression in the form of mosh pits and songs where the mastery of staying on beat is unnecessary.  However, one of the most impactful songs for the white community was released in 1992 from get this, a hip hop group!  Albeit a white Irish hip hop group, but hip hop none the less.  I’m talking of none other than Cypress Hill’s Jump Around.  It’s catchy chorus made for easy movement in a party or social situation and required no real skill or musical affluence.  In fact 1992 was a great year for white club goers with the later release of Kris Kross’s, Jump.  Both songs allowed people of all races finally dance in harmony, it was truly a beautiful time in America.

As the years passed, black people progressed on to newer state-of-the-art dances just as we have always done throughout time.  However, the white people remained loyal to this “jump movement” and to this day not only listen to this song but continue to jump feverishly whenever it is played.  This display can be seen at sporting events around the country on a weekly basis.  In fact, at the University of Wisconsin it has become a weekly tradition during the third quarter of football games.  The whole stadium jumps in a state of reckless abandon in order to fire up the team. 

The question is what to you do when you are surrounded by this mob of jumping, crazed, white people?  To jump or not to jump, that is the question?  On one hand if you jump you feel a sense of communal satisfaction, you feel part of a greater whole, you feel for that moment in time that, ya know, maybe America will be just fine.  While on the other hand you think to yourself this dance is a relic, I have moved on to bigger and better moves, I have more up my sleeve to show the world than just a simple jump.  Yes, it’s a hard question to answer indeed, however BlakChek has the answer for you.  We say try your best to incorporate your latest dance move into the frenzy and take part in the excitement, after all you are at a game.  This way you stay true to the progressive dance movement while also joining in the community’s enjoyment and making for a better game experience.  Your white friends will still try to grab your arms and forcefully make you jump but you must fight this temptation.  Stay true, stay on beat, and have fun.

So as a final verdict, BlakChek does approve dancing during House of Pain’s “Jump Around” at sporting events.  BlakChek, does not, however approve jumping, do so at your own social risk.

Pay special attention at the Ohio State player, he participates, but he puts a modern, somewhat fraternity based twist on it. 

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