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BlakChek #8, Play paintball: Maybe

When my white coworkers confronted me with the option of going to play paintball I didn’t know what to think.  I mean, from what I had seen on TV and the Internet, paintball looked like a fun, harmless activity.  Why not, I said, let’s give it a shot, no pun intended, no really.  You gotta amire the fact when white people do something new they go all in.  I’m talking camouflage, combat boots, compasses, canteens, and GPS equipment .  At work I walked up to a friends desk to find him looking at a paintball area map and plotting strategies and techniques.  Is it really that serious?  To be honest I bought some basic camo for the sole purpose of not standing out like a moose in Sarah Palin’s yard.

After brief instructions at the paintball field we were on our way.  The place was over the top, it had bunkers, forts, barricades, etc.  all of which made almost brought my white friends to tears.  White people find joy in the most basic of things, an admirable trait.  So here we were in our first competition, our team which was composed mostly of first-timers against the other team which included the paintball parks owners and kids who were like Navy seals.   The first task was to rush their fort and capture the flag.  As we were walking through the forest I took my first shot right in the @$$ by a sniper hiding in the bushes.  I have a decent tolerance for pain but I’m not going to lie that hit hurt!  I was like what the… from that point on my whole paintball mindset changed. 

After a decent walk through the Vietnam-like booby-trapped forest we made it to the clearing where the fort was at.  My white friend who was acting as leader because he had been paint-balling a whopping 3 times comes up with the “great” idea of rushing the fort.  “Some of us might not make it, it may hurt, we may get hit in the neck (the most vulnerable exposed body part), but if the group keeps moving I think there’s a slight chance we’ll make it.”  Surprisingly the flag seemed to be barely guarded, as we scouted we only saw 2 Tango’s standing guard upon the fort.   Even though the fort which was raised about 10 feet off the ground gave the enemy a great tactical advantage we still felt we could take the few guards on.  As we made our charge through the trenches that led up to the fort I noticed we had been set up in the first way.  I looked up at the fort again to see what seemed like the majority of enemy with their guns pointed at us.  I began to see my friends getting picked off left and right.  It was horrible, guys were getting shot in the neck, chest, even head.  Even to this day I still hear their screams when I sleep.  In the heat of the battle I had a critical decision to make: Do I continue on with the mission, and risk being shot point blank range in the neck?  Or do abandon my troop and save myself the pain and agony?  Point blank, I ran, I ran as fast as I could, I ran until I couldn’t hear the shots any more, I ran until I couldn’t hear the screams anymore, I ran…  

Yes I ran in that particular case but all in all I had a good time the rest of the day playing paintball.  However, I changed my tactics opting to lay low and pick off passing enemies rather than rushing into chaos.  With that said BlakChek cautiously approves playing paintball. 

One Disclaimer:  Paint-balls hurt like hell, especially close range, wear long sleeve shirts and pants, the more padding the better.  Thus, I would also suggest going in the fall due, since its cooler.  Now your white friends are going to try to act cool by wearing t-shirts and possibly shorts.  Don’t do it unless you want to end up like the idiots in the above pictures.

BlakChek #7, Race another black person: Hell No

If you hang out with white people for any significant length of time the following situation is inevitable.  For me, it happened while participating on a company softball team.  How I got on the team is another interesting story all together, being that I had very little softball/baseball experience prior to joining the team.  I was chosen for the team because white people in general feel that black people can excel in any sport.  That is a extremely demeaning stereotype, nevermind the fact that after a few games I was one of the best players on the team. 

Midway through the season we had amassed a mediocore record and our “coach” felt the need to bring in some new talent.  Somehow, he convinced another black guy who worked in another department join the team.  I am horrified to even imagine how that conversation went down.  “Hey man, what’s your name, you look fast, how about joining our softball team?”   The hilarious part was that this guy was even worse than I was when I started, not even knowing how to catch.  The only reason he was chosen to join the team was because he was black!

During the next practice the whole team got a glimpse of our latest recruit.  I heard a lot of the typical accolades given by white people to black athletes.  “Wow, he’s fast!” or “This dude can jump!”  Then came the inevitable, “Both of you guys are fast, you should race.”  I asked my white friend what the hell does me and him racing have to do with the price of cheese.  A little word of advice to my white readers, never single out two of your black friends to compete in a athletic competion for your personal enjoyment. 

So as a final verdict, BlakChek does not approve racing or competing in any form of one-on-one athletic competion in front of a group of your white friends.  Don’t tell anyone but I actually did want to race…

BlakChek #6, Fly Fishing: Hell No

It’s 7AM, 52 degrees outside and my black @$$ is standing in 3 foot of 40 degree water.  How did this happen you say?  Well, my white classmate wanted me to go fly fishing, that’s how.  Now for a bit of a background, I love fishing, freshwater, saltwater, and even bass fishing (another extremely white version of fishing).  I grew up fishing with my father in local lakes and developed a deep appreciation for the sport in general.  That was until I went fly fishing.

First off, fly fishing, like many other predominantly white hobbies is expensive.  Just for me to try fly fishing I spent $30 on waders (very white), $20 on a fly fishing licence, and another $20 to fish in this remote area my white friend wanted to fish in.  Luckily I was able to borrow one of his spare rods which would have set me back a grip. 

So here I was in 3 feet of frigid water navigating my way over slippery rocks with rubber boots on.  After almost falling completely in the water twice I asked my friend how often he falls in.  He replied “I can’t remember the last time I fly fished without falling in!”  Mind you, he tells me this, not when he was persuading me to come with him but after I’m already standing in ice water.  I felt like picking up a rock and stoning him medieval style.  Just as I was picking out a rock of proper size, he yelled “fish on!”  I immediately got excited and momentarily forgot about my stone search.  How big is it I wondered, 10, 20, 30 pounds?  What kind of batter should I use to fry it? Should I use the stove or the Fry Daddy?  These are serious questions I pondered as my friend wrestled with the beast.  His rod bended and strained as he fought the monster and finally he brought it out of the water.  The fish weighed a good half a pound soaking wet.  He let me hold the fish and I thought, well maybe I can at least get a sandwich out of it.  That’s when he let me know that we were in a catch and release area, yet another piece of information that would have been nice to know prior to the trip.  Where is that rock…

So as a final verdict, BlakChek does not approve fly fishing.

BlakChek #5, Voting: Absolutely

BlakChek emphatically approves voting.

Voting Rumors and Myths…

http://truth.voteforchange.com/

BlakChek #4, Jump to House of Pain at game: Maybe

It is a well known fact that white people aren’t always the best of dancers, however they have devised several clever ways to circumvent this social disadvantage.  Line dancing, for instance, is a favorite of many white people because it is something they can study, practice, and master.  Rock and Alternative music also offer outlets for white expression in the form of mosh pits and songs where the mastery of staying on beat is unnecessary.  However, one of the most impactful songs for the white community was released in 1992 from get this, a hip hop group!  Albeit a white Irish hip hop group, but hip hop none the less.  I’m talking of none other than Cypress Hill’s Jump Around.  It’s catchy chorus made for easy movement in a party or social situation and required no real skill or musical affluence.  In fact 1992 was a great year for white club goers with the later release of Kris Kross’s, Jump.  Both songs allowed people of all races finally dance in harmony, it was truly a beautiful time in America.

As the years passed, black people progressed on to newer state-of-the-art dances just as we have always done throughout time.  However, the white people remained loyal to this “jump movement” and to this day not only listen to this song but continue to jump feverishly whenever it is played.  This display can be seen at sporting events around the country on a weekly basis.  In fact, at the University of Wisconsin it has become a weekly tradition during the third quarter of football games.  The whole stadium jumps in a state of reckless abandon in order to fire up the team. 

The question is what to you do when you are surrounded by this mob of jumping, crazed, white people?  To jump or not to jump, that is the question?  On one hand if you jump you feel a sense of communal satisfaction, you feel part of a greater whole, you feel for that moment in time that, ya know, maybe America will be just fine.  While on the other hand you think to yourself this dance is a relic, I have moved on to bigger and better moves, I have more up my sleeve to show the world than just a simple jump.  Yes, it’s a hard question to answer indeed, however BlakChek has the answer for you.  We say try your best to incorporate your latest dance move into the frenzy and take part in the excitement, after all you are at a game.  This way you stay true to the progressive dance movement while also joining in the community’s enjoyment and making for a better game experience.  Your white friends will still try to grab your arms and forcefully make you jump but you must fight this temptation.  Stay true, stay on beat, and have fun.

So as a final verdict, BlakChek does approve dancing during House of Pain’s “Jump Around” at sporting events.  BlakChek, does not, however approve jumping, do so at your own social risk.

Pay special attention at the Ohio State player, he participates, but he puts a modern, somewhat fraternity based twist on it. 

BlakChek #3, Shower without washcloth: No

It’s a little know fact in the black community that white people don’t use washcloths.  Sure they have them but strictly for decorative purposes only.  White people instead use their bar of soap as if it is a washcloth, rubbing it over their entire body through cracks and crevices.  Some use body-wash and still choose to opt out of using a loofa, instead choosing to use their hands to spread the soap over their entire body.  The reason being white people love to lather, they put the soap everywhere, often even in their hair.  Side-note: white people wash their hair everyday, and are often shocked to hear that we don’t.  Hence the popularity of the new overhead shower units found in many of the new upper scale homes. 

Black people need a good washcloth, loofa, or something in order to take a comfortable shower.  I don’t know why or how this difference in shower tactics developed, but they do exist.  For my readers, I sucked it up and took showers for 3 days straight without the use of a washcloth.  First off, I didn’t like it, it’s hard to explain, basically its just straight uncomfortable.  Just to give you a picture, think about trying to wash your ears, between your toes, or your how should I put this…  “Gluteous Maximus” with your hands or a bar of soap. 

So as a final verdict, BlakChek does not approve showering without a washcloth.  So make sure to bring a washcloth the next time your invited to spend the night at a white friends house.  Don’t worry this white activity isn’t to dangerous so give it a shot and make your own opinion.  Be sure to leave comments on your findings.

BlakChek #2, White Water Rafting: Hell No

First off it’s called WHITE water rafting, that in itself should be enough evidence for you to tell your white friends to take a hike when they ask you to go.  However, I know many of you are still doubting so I’ll give further rationale to my argument.  Let’s start with a definition, Wikipedia defines it as the following:

Whitewater rafting is a challenging recreational activity utilizing a raft to navigate a river or other bodies of water. This is usually done on whitewater or different degrees of rough water, in order to thrill and excite the raft passengers.

It’s also vitally important to note that most black people simply can’t swim.  In fact USA Today reported that an estimated 60% of black children can not swim.  I personally think the statistics are worse than that especially when you consider the percentatge who can swim well.  I’m not talking about frantically doggy paddling around the pool looking like a fool splashing water.  I’m talking about really swimming, can you knock out 5,10,15 laps in the pool?  I know I can’t, further reason why you won’t find me on any raft.  I can’t swim, they can’t possibly expect me to go rafting with them, crisis avoided. Wrong, it’s not that simple, white people are sneaky creatures who love nothing less in life than getting their black friends to participate in their risky activities.   Your white friend is going to say, “hey man, don’t worry everyone has to wear life jackets, plus there only like class 3 rapids, you’ll be fine dude!”  Don’t be fooled, how do I know, because my wife was fooled and was actually put in a life threatening event.  The story I’m about to tell is the primary reason I’m so passionate about this site, so that we can have a forum to share our white experiences and learn from each other for the betterment and safety of ourselves and families.

I’ll get right to it, after saying no on several occasions my wife finally agreed to go white water rafting with her classmates.  I tried to stop her but her white friends had already brainwashed her to the point of no return.  She was telling me things like, “It’s safe” and “I’ll have a life jacket on.”  I looked her in her face and simply shook my head, she would have to learn this lesson on her on.  After a two hour trip to who knows where, my wife and her group finally arrived at the rapids.  My wife quickly realized that perhaps I was right when she heard the trainer saying things like, “If you fall out, try to swim with the current” and “You don’t wanna get your feet jammed up under a rock, because you can drown.”  She actually told a nearby white friend that she didn’t want to go.  “Don’t worry, I’ve done this a bunch of times and never fell out!” 

So alas they took off down the river, my wife being the only black person on a 8 man raft.  She said it started off harmless enough as they navigated through the river until they hit a class 4 rapid!  Mind you her white friends had told her earlier that the highest level they would see on this trip would be class 3!  I told you they are sneaky, do your research on BlakChek before attempting any white activities, I cannot stress this enough.  So there my wife was on her first trip and caught in the middle of a class 4 rapid, and within minutes she fell out of the raft!  She said once she fell out she could barely stay above water, even with a life vest on.  The currents were furious as she fought to try to swim towards the raft.  The rest of the rafters tried relentlessly to extend paddles and rope for her to catch, but she kept missing them.  Finally, after what had to be the longest minute of her life she grabbed one of the paddles and was brought back aboard.  Shaken up from the ordeal and crying my wife wanted to end the trip immediately, however could not, due to another tidbit of information that was witheld.  Once on the raft you have to finish the entire trip.

Once she came home, I could have told her “I told you so” or “next time listen to me” but instead I held her in my arms and made this vow.  “So help me God, I vow to educate black people across the world about the potential perils associated with white friendship.”  That is my mission, my cause, my motivation.

So as a final verdict, BlakChek does not approve White Water Rafting.