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BlakChek #14, Hiking:  Depends 

gallery_06-0521After hanging out with your white friends for some time you’ll begin to understand their fondness of nature.  Some love to hunt, some enjoy wildlife photography, while some only eat free-range chicken.  All of these which have one common theme, nature or love thereof.  Perhaps one of the favorite nature-connecting activities that white people enjoy is the hike.  This “hike” can come in many forms but usually involves some form of trail and at times elevation.  Hiking is not to bad a activity when you know the facts, and that’s what we are here for.  I mean it’s a good work out, it gets you out of the house for a while, and it gives you a chance to reconnect with nature if you feel so inclined.

Now when you go hiking, you’ll need some basic equipment.  Comfortable shoes, a backpack for snacks and water, and maybe a first aid kit.  Don’t wear your old Timberland Boots; you will feel like a fool after you hike about a mile or so as your feet start to cramp up.  Instead opt for some running shoes or tennis shoes, your white friends who hike regularly will probably have some shoes like the pair pictured below.  Who are we kidding, even white people who have never hiked a day in their life have shoes like this, I think it’s the earthy look.  They are not necessary but if you want to look official go ahead and get some.hiking-shoes-sn-0704

Me and my wife did a few hikes together and felt pretty good about ourselves.  These hikes were about 2-3 miles in length and were pretty tame.  Looking for a new trail we made the mistake of asking one of our white friends.  He told us of a trail that was not “that bad” going on to say that it had a few “rock scrambles.”  Rock scrambles I thought to myself, that doesn’t sound to bad but my wife who had lost faith in white people’s advice(see white water rafting) decided to do some further research on the hike.  The website we went to pretty much echoed what our friend said, saying that the hike was not to bad so we felt comforted.  The next Saturday we hit the trail, and immediately began to discover that our white friends had duped us again.  Our first indication came when the ranger told us that the trail was 9 miles long, and the second indication came when they told us to beware of “aggressive bears.”  Son of a … how do we get ourselves into these situations.  We thought about leaving but decided to take on the challenge.

The first 3 miles or so was a standard up hill hike through the treeline but then we hit the infamous rock scramble.  What I had envisioned of a rock scramble and what we encountered was worlds apart.  A rock scramble is actually huge boulders, crevices, etc. that you have to navigate through.  As we entered the 2 mile of scrambles we were greeted by a woman being carried out who had apparently twisted her ankle.  Again I thought, that Son of a …  but we pressed forward.  No exaggeration, there was some spots through this scramble where I was literally scared as he!!.  Luckily it was a crowded day on the mountain and we were able to get help in some areas by other hikers.   At the top of the mountain we saw another black guy who said word for word, “What are yall doing up here, I thought I was the only black person up here?”  That was a great question that I am still trying to find a answer for.  After finally getting out of the scramble we made our way down through the bear infested forest and safely home.

So if you are considering hiking, start off easy, build up some endurance, and avoid any trails with a rock scramble of any form.   BlakChek cautiously approves Hiking.

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BlakChek #13, Halloween Party:  Sure  smurf-halloween-costume

Ok, I know I have said white people like a lot of things, but white people really love Halloween!  While the majority of black people move on from their fond childhood memories of dressing up as ghouls, gobblins, super heroes, and princesses, white people stay committed to the Halloween tradition.  If you hang out or know any white people you will, without a doubt, be invited to a Halloween party. 

This year was no exception for me.  I received Halloween invites, request, etc from no less 50% of my white comrades.  Now in the past I have tried to ignore the majority of these request but due to my dedication for this site, I took one of my friends up on his offer.  The invite was the of the typical white variety of course mentioning some connotation of libations(alcohol).  In fact here it is, “My roommates & I are throwing another Halloween party. Be there. Be dressed! I’ll provide some of the basic party vittles, but I’d appreciate if people brought either food or drink to contribute!  It’s going to be ridiculous, and we’ll have live music – his band 10 Grey Tuesdays will play a set around 10 or 11 pm.”  Side-note:: What is the percentage of white males that are in “bands” of some type, 80 maybe 90%.  We’ll save that discussion for another post.

I began the night before the party handing out Halloween candy to the little ones and was promptly greeted by one little white kid who was like “Hey, you look like (Insert Football Player Name Here)!”  After snatching the bastard child’s bag I replied “Are you sure that’s your father, because you look a lot like the mailman?”  So then after the cops left… I was on my way to the party.  My costume was basic, I had a baseball cap, a baseball jersey, I’ll go as a baseball player.  Yes, I realize the irony, but that kid still deserved to get cursed out.

Arriving at the party I quickly realized that the Halloween party was similar to many other white party’s I had attended except for the fact that people were wearing costumes.  Bearpong was still played, their was a live band which was a stretch, and all in all just a lot of drinking and conversing.  I remember having a hour long argument about the differences between lamb, sheep, and goats?  In another conversation we discussed the evolution of man, and tried to understand the purpose of nipples on men.  Did we once have the ability to breast feed?  These are deep issues that must be discussed and white party’s often offer tremendous venues for doing such. 

All in all the party was harmless and I survived unscathed for the most part.  BlakChek approves of going to a Halloween Party with your white friends.

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BlakChek #12, Play Ultimate Frisbee:  Maybe

Ultimate Frisbee is a game that is quickly gaining popularity within the white community.  It is like a weird combination between football and futbol (soccer) in which the objective is to march up and down the field by making a series of passes with a Frisbee.  I don’t want to get into all the details here but if you want to learn more click here.  Essentially the goal is to compete a bunch of passes down the field with the goal of reaching the end zone without dropping or having the other team intercept the Frisbee.  The reason I say that ultimate is like soccer is because you are constantly running up and down the field.  Your white friends will attempt to convince you that it is a casual game played for fun amongst friends.  Don’t be fooled, yes it is fun but it is also very demanding on your body.  In fact the first time I played I almost passed out a couple of times.  You have to remember that the same white friends that are trying to get you to play also jog daily, run marathons and you don’t, keep that in mind.

If you are looking to build up your endurance, loose weight, and have a good time, then ultimate frisbee is a good option.  Just remember like many other white sports there are a few dangers to look out for.  Make sure you play on a nice pot-hole free field to avoid ankle injuries. Secondly make sure that when you are playing that you keep your head on a swivel.  Just as in football you can be blindsided by another person as you attempt to make a catch.  In a coed game I saw a woman get laid out during a collision.  Again, I do not tell you this to deter you but to ensure that you know the potential dangers before stepping onto the field. 

So in conclusion BlakChek cautiously approves Ultimate Frisbee.

BlakChek #11, Adjust your Air Condition:  No

If you hang out with white people long enough, eventually you may invite them to your home, which is totally fine.  However, it will be then when you will learn about another important difference between white people and black people.  White people like it cold, in fact on average 8-12 degrees colder on average than black people.  The average white person prefers to keep there thermostat firmly set in the 63-67 degree range, while the average black person prefers a range of 73-77 degrees(These facts are based solely on years of observation).

Why this discrepancy, you ask?  I believe these discrepancies came from adaptation, take a look at the regions in which we originate from.  White people hail from frigid places like Norway, Slovakia, Iceland, etc. and have the ability to live in the most remote frigid regions on earth.  Think about it, how many black people do you think have ever visited Antarctica?   Black people on the other hand hail from Africa and tend to prefer regions that are some what temperate.  So when you have your get together with your white and black friends what do you do?  Try to compromise by finding a nice medium, or maybe cater to your white friends by turning the thermostat down to their appropriate range?  I say no to both, not because I am trying to be mean to my white comrades, but more so for the fact that I have to adapt to white temperatures on a daily basis.  Think about it, the mall, stores, movie theaters, restaurants, office buildings, your job, everywhere you go on a daily basis caters to the white temperature range.  I often sit in my room late at night and wonder what stores are like in predominantly black countries, now I got you thinking… 

Bottom line, since we have to live with white temperatures on a daily basis through all walks of life, I think it’s only fair that our white friends return the favor when they are in our homes.  With that said, BlakChek does not approve adjusting your Air Condition for your white friends comfort.

BlakChek #10, go to a Bar:  Maybe

It’s not many things on earth that white people love more than a good bar, and eventually your white friends will ask you to tag along.  Black people usually prefer night clubs over bars primarily because they offer an opportunity to dance.  For white people, a bar is essentially the mecca, offering a place for meeting potential mates, networking, live music, and good drinks.  When you first enter a white bar you may be taken back by a few things.  First off if you are like me you’ll be astonished by the way white people can have deep, impactful discussions about everything from world politics to space exploration in such a loud environment.  Just the noise of all the conversations alone will seem ridiculous, not to mention the alternative local band playing in the back.  Secondly, you’ll wonder in amazement how people seem to go from conversation to conversation in a similar way that we may navigate a dance floor.  I mean, is this really like Cheers, does everyone know your name?  It’s amazing.

Depending on the bar you may an wide array of white activities, including body shots, women dancing on the bar, drunken altercations, and a couple of guys trying to pick up chicks by showing off their Golden Tee skills. I know these things all may seem scary at first but hang in there, you’ll start having a little bit more fun after your first drink.  As for drinks, you’ll be tempted to get your usual club favorite, like a Crown and Coke, Bacardi, Patron, or whatever drink the rappers are promoting this week but try to fight this urge.  As the saying goes, “When in Rome, do as the Romans do…”  Instead opt for something a little more white, but yet not too commercial.  Many black people will jump on the basic white brands like Bud Lite or Miller Lite to attempt to fit in, this is a classic mistake.  Instead opt for a more sophisticated brew like Yuengling, Samuel Adams, or whatever local micro brew they have on tap.  If you’re feeling really adventurous go for a Jaeger Bomb, trust me your white friends will know this classic concoction.  Fact: White people actually learn what Jaeger Bombs are before they learn how to read.  My personal favorite drink in a white bar is a Red Stripe, you know from the famous “Hooray Beer” ads.  A good Red Stripe allows me to stay true to my blackness while at the same time enjoying a good time out with friends.

A couple of warnings about things that may take you off guard.  First off if you are one of the only 2 or 3 black people in the bar it is inevitable for a white guy to come up and say something like the following.  “Hey bro, how’s it going, has anyone ever told you look just like (Insert Standard Black Athlete, Actor, etc.)”  Now you could get mad and punch this guy in the face but that would ruin your night.  Instead take a few minutes to educate your new white acquaintance, because often times they simply don’t understand that their comment could have gotten them potentially knocked out.  In their guilt for their recent comment and 200 years of oppression they will often buy your drinks for the rest of the night.

Secondly beware of the white friends/coworkers/classmates you came with.  The bar is a white person’s favorite place to make a move and if you are not careful after a few drinks your white coworker may attempt to tongue you down seemingly out of the blue.  It has happened, please be careful.  Black women need to be especially careful, because even your white female coworkers may try to include you in their amateur “Girls Gone Wild” activities.

With that said, BlakChek cautiously approves going to the bar with your white friends, coworkers, and classmates.

BlakChek #9, Two Girls, One Cup:  Never in your life, Never

First off if you have never heard of “two girls, one cup” I want you to ignore this post and go on living your life.  For those of you who’s white friends have tried to convince you to view this video, don’t do it.  Put it like this, I watched a video which simply showed guys watching the video, and made up my mind to never watch this video.  On the video the guys were literally throwing up just from watching the video.  Grown, healthy, sober men, throwing up just form the vision of this footage.  I’m not going to go into details, but if you are even thinking about viewing this tape, ask yourself this question.  How could two girls and one cup possibly make grown men cry and throw up?  Do not watch this video ever, I have friends who literally will never be the same again.

BlakChek does not and will not ever approve viewing “Two Girls, One Cup.”  I can not stress this enough, never watch this video.